Congratulations!

You've decided to fake your own kidnapping!

Are you prepared to join the thousands of people just like you who are now discovering the financial independence that faking a kidnapping can provide? Good! Then all you need to get started is this webpage, and a rich relative or acquaintance! Follow me!

STEP ONE: Make Yourself Scarce

Just find somewhere you can hide out for a few weeks... not being where you usually are is a vital part of alerting your rich relative/acquaintance that you might be in danger.

STEP TWO: The Ransom Note

In the olden days of kidnapping (both fake and real), you used to have to disguise your handwriting by cutting letters out of magazines, newspapers, books, and road signs. One would then have to spend hours carefully pasting the letters onto a piece of paper, spelling out their demands. Some lazier kidnappers would forego this process and just write with their left hand, but they were usually caught. None of this needs be with today's age of expanding technology! Does your rich relative/acquaintance have an email address? Good! Then just fill out our "E-Z" form below according to the directions, and sit back and wait for the cash to roll in! Good luck!

To:


Dear , if you want to see your Son Daughter Nephew Roommate Friend Employee Dog Cat Muppet again, place $12,000,000 $1,000,000 $500,000 $1,000 $500 whatever you can spare about tree-fitty in small, unmarked bills in a letter-size manila envelope suitcase garbage bag and place it under the bench in the trash can in the telephone booth in the dumpster at or we'll break their legs we'll kill them we'll mail them home in a jar else . Do not call the Police FBI CIA Local Vigilante Organization . Do not take the law into your own hands call Batman leave town ignore this letter become suspicious that this might be phony
Do not attempt to contact us, for we are ruthless kidnappers who will stop at nothing to get our money. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,

The Kidnappers

P.S. - and to prove we're not bluffing, here's what the sniveling little runt's got to say:
(enter your desparate plea for help here - i.e. "help! they're gonna shave my head and break my legs and make me eat 50 pounds of cheesecake!")

FREE feedback form powered by Freedback.com

STEP THREE: Waiting For the Cash to Roll In

So, you've sent off the form. Now comes the waiting game! It might be fun during this part of the process to inflict some minor wounds upon yourself, or maybe roll around in the dirt by the side of a road somewhere, to make your "kidnapping" seem more real! Here are some honest testimonials of people who have tried our method and some of the creative techniques they used!

"Phil" of Newark, NJ, writes: "I tried your phony kidnapping method last year, and all I can say is WOW! A year ago I was a schoolteacher making next to nothing, and now, thanks to your program (and my rich Aunt Helga), I'm living in the lap of luxury! Thanks, E-Z Kidnapping!" "Janice" of "Denver, CO" writes: "Thanks to the E-Z kidnapping email form, I'm now the proud owner of three new cars, a new house, and a gorgeous man-servant named Fido! Not to mention all the gifts I received on my return! People felt sorry for me because I looked so bruised and battered... little did they know, it was E-Z Kidnapping's great advice that led me to jump out of a 3-story building into a dumpster outside of a glass factory, as well as work out every day by hitting a lead-filled punching bag with my head, all to convince everyone that I had really been kidnapped! It worked, too, and i never would have pulled it off without the good people at E-Z Kidnapping. Thanks a million and God bless!"

Thank you for using the E-Z Kidnapping Email Form!
We wish you the best of luck, and hope you will recommend us to friends, family, and enemies in future!

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